The Strength of Love
by withintemptation9
Summary: Bella has changed since Edward left her in the forest. She's moved on but has a problem with self-injury and anorexia plus she loves to party and have one night stands. She now attends college in Denali, Alaska. On her first day of classes she meets the gorgeous beauty that is Tanya. This is Bella/Tanya femslash. See inside for better summary.
1. Chapter 1

**This is set following the events of New Moon, sort of. Edward and his family left and never came back. Bella didn't become a shell of herself but rather became very self-destructive. Sleeping around and turning to self-injury and anorexia, perhaps even getting high at the odd party. She also figured out she is bisexual; therefore some of the people she has slept with were women. Because she grew accustomed to cloudy rainy weather, when she graduated high school she decided to attend college in Denali Alaska. This is a Tanya/Bella femslash Romance/Hurt/Comfort. Written from Bella's POV.**

**M rated fictional story (I don't really know if it merits an M over a T, so I'm just being safe). There will be no explicit sex, as I am not writing it and my friend who is reviewing my work will not read it. There could be triggering scenes for cutters and people with eating disorders.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own rights to Twilight. **

The Strength of Love

Chapter One

As I made my way to my last class of the day, Intro to Psych, I thought over how well the transition had been from Forks to Denali and into this college life. I was settled into a student dorm and my roommate from all first impressions was pretty cool, and classes had thus far gone well, this was looking to be a good four years. A nice normal four year human college experience. No prude boyfriend to hold me down and cause me to miss out on those 'important' human experiences that he himself was keeping me from. I certainly lived it up since that bastard left me on the forest floor. That day he set me free and boy have I flown. Sex, and more sex, I suppose there is some bad, or was. Who knows anymore? It has been quite a while since I missed a meal, after being with the Cullens I developed a complex about my weight, but that is mostly under control now. Though I wish I could say the same for my self-injury tendencies. It seems the more I eat the more I cut.

I was so swept up in my inner monologue as I grabbed a seat in the lecture hall that I almost missed the gorgeous beauty that just entered the lecture hall. She was inhumanly beautiful and to say I was instantly attracted to her even from across the room would be an understatement…. Wait inhumanly beautiful? I haven't describe anyone that way since the Cullens, but no they couldn't be here, I quickly snapped my eyes up to her face and found her intently staring at me, her golden eyes intently staring at me. Great. Another vegetarian vampire. At least she wasn't a Cullen.

Our eyes met briefly before I quickly averted them and started staring at my notebook. There goes dinner, if I was going to be fitting in with a vampire, coven from the looks of it, the way the Cullens talked vegetarian vampires stuck together more so than human drinkers. Anyways if I was going to be fitting in I'd have to lose a bit of weight. And cutting, I cut this morning, good thing it was pretty shallow she shouldn't be able to smell it… at least I hope not. Wait I'm getting ahead of myself I'm just a stupid human she won't even talk to me. Good… though it would be nice to fuck her once - Inappropriate thought Bella, I internally scolded myself, especially when the vampire will be sure to smell any arousal on my part.

As I shook my head to clear the thoughts away I noticed the golden eyed goddess had sat right next to me. Great. So much for ignoring each other. No. This was good, we could be friends, if that is what she wants; I'll just have to be careful when I cut. Just then the professor walked in, effectively ending my internal discussion with myself.

I breathed a sigh of relief as class ended. Day one done and I was already bogged down with a lot of work, oh well, I'd manage somehow. I heard soft chuckling to my right and as I turned my head I saw an amused expression on the vampire's face. "Rough first day?" She asked.

I took a few seconds before I answered to debate myself. I could tell her I know, I mean she might already know I know, but then again how could she know I know? Or I could keep my knowledge a secret. Truth won out and I responded, "Well when you've had what? Twenty degrees I'm sure day one seems like a piece of cake… or should I say moose." At my words her eyes quickly narrowed and she quickly suggested we go for a walk to get some privacy to talk.

We wound up walking off the campus simply because there were too many people everywhere. When we found some side streets that were deserted the comfortable silence we had lapsed into started becoming uncomfortable, for me at least. It had just dawned on me that I was out alone in the evening with a vampire, a predator, a vegetarian but still a vampire. "Are you going to kill me?" I asked effectively breaking the silence and starting the conversation.

"Not yet," she paused for a moment then continued, "but for this to end well for both of us your heart has to stop beating."

"You mean changing me? You don't even know me why would you want to change me?" I asked, I truly was confused, a vampire that had supposedly loved me adamantly refused to change me and here a stranger wanted to change me.

"The Volturi are strict, you die for knowing or you get changed." She stated as if that closed the discussion. In her mind it did close that particular discussion as she quickly asked me what my name was.

"I'd like your name first." I responded, as I shuffled my feet and glanced around. I could always give her a fake name and leave town. Going off last time the sooner I got away from the vampires the less likely I'd get hurt.

"What you're going to run?" She said, effectively reading my mind. But she couldn't read minds… Right? "If you run," She continued on, "I will just go through school records to find out your name, home address, and then I'll track you down."

Of course that is what she would do, that was what James did oh so long ago. At the thought of James I moved my hand down my arm and felt the wrist band that I wore to cover the scar from his bite. What the hell right. "Isabella Marie Swan" I responded. "And yours?" I quickly tacked on the end.

"Tanya Denali" She responded. Realization dawned on me and I'm sure crossed across my face though I tried to make the reaction disappear off my face quickly, I doubt it was quick enough. I really didn't want to get into a discussion of the Cullens, but I guess it was probably inevitable that it would happen.

"You know my name?" Tanya asked, surprise showing in her features.

I took a deep breath and closed my eyes for a moment, half wishing she wouldn't be there when I opened them but of course she was. "They talked, no. He talked of visiting the Denali's." I paused for a moment and glanced at her, she had a curious expression on her face, I quickly glanced away, then continued on. "You know I don't really know why I came here, to this school I mean. I like the weather, but there's more to it than that. I always denied even to myself that there was but, hmm… I didn't come here for you." I wanted to make that clear. "I never planned on ever running into any vampires again especially if they were slash are anything like them. But I guess I associated this place with peace because originally he left to come here and he found something and came back, I guess I was hoping if I came to Denali I'd find something too." I finished explaining and we walked in silence for a bit, I assume she was absorbing what I was saying, though I'd figure she wouldn't need that much time to do so. As I was thinking about how slowly she seemed to be thinking she asked me,

"He who?"

Moment of truth, I responded, "Edward Cullen."

"So you know the Cullens? How do you know the Cullens?"

I in turn answered with another question, "What do you know of their most recent stay in Forks?"

"Not much." She quickly responded but when I looked at her expectantly she continued on, "They lived there for a bit. Edward came up to visit us and we encouraged him to go back and face whatever was bothering him. Then a year later for a reason I do not know they left Forks and for the most part their coven isn't really a coven anymore, they are all spending time with their respective mates."

I digested what Tanya said and then I started thinking of how I could word what had actually happened without giving away too much of course. Taking a deep breath I started to explain the truth to her. "When Edward came up here originally it was because he had just met me. I was his singer or am I suppose. I was attracted to him, he was attracted to me. We dated, we believed ourselves to be mates. Then I accidentally bled in their house, Jasper tried to attack me, and that was the end. Edward decided I didn't belong with him and they all left." As I finished speaking I chanced a look at Tanya, I wanted to know what she thought of all this, but she had a blank face though her eyes looked almost black but then again it was getting dark out so it was hard to see.

"You believed yourselves to be mates?" Tanya asked.

Her question threw me for a loop; that is what she is picking to ask about? "Yeah. He thought so, but I mean if I was really his mate." I used my hands to make quote marks as I said mate. "Then he wouldn't have left me." I then laughed and continued on, "But I mean come on I wasn't his mate, mates don't exist."

Tanya looked surprised at my declaration. Then she stated, "You're wrong. Mates do exist."

"The only way you could know that is if you've got a mate. And since you're wasting your time at a college and with me I'd bet you don't have a mate. I rest my case."

"Once again you're wrong." Tanya replied. I looked at her with an inquisitive face, expecting her to continue on, which she did. "I met her a few hours ago, and I've been in her company ever since."

It took a moment but when her words clicked they sunk right in. And then I laughed loudly. I didn't even bother looking at her face as I didn't want to see whatever she had displayed. "There is no such thing as mates - at least not for humans. If there was, which there aren't, don't you think there'd be some way for me to know, like you supposedly know? Shouldn't I be possessive of you? Or at the very least want to get in your pants…" I paused for a moment as I considered the fact that I did want to get in her pants. Then I found myself realizing that if we were mates I would get to have sex with her and that started getting me aroused. So I quickly tried to squash that thought out of my brain. Though by the smirk on Tanya's face I gather I didn't do so quickly enough.

"So you're saying you don't want to have sex with me?" Tanya continued to smirk at me.

"Well no. But it's different you're a goddamn sexy vampire, of course I want to have sex with you! So that doesn't prove we are mated." I paused for a moment and then continued, "Or that mates even exist."

"But you are attracted to me?" Tanya asked.

There was no reason for her to ask. She already knows I am, so I simply nodded my head in answer.

"Good, as I am to you. So are you free tomorrow night? I'd like to take you out on a date."

"I'm not your mate." I adamantly replied.

"Sure you are. So I'll pick you up at your dorm at seven, wear comfortable clothing."

With that she put her arm around my shoulders and we started walking back towards my dorm room. To be honest I hardly noticed the arm around my shoulders, I was too lost in my thoughts. She said she was attracted to me… part of me, well let's face it most of me, is simply wishing her and I could have sex and leave it at that. I haven't been much of a relationship person since Edward. And I will even admit that that relationship was very unhealthy, he was controlling and manipulative and stalkerish creepy. But then again if she wants a relationship sex isn't a very good option because she will see my scars or more correctly open wounds and that will for sure put her in protective smothering mode and I really don't need that.

Only when she stopped walking did I notice we were at my dorm room. She must have followed my scent because I don't remember telling her my room number. She planted a soft but quick kiss on my lips than stepped back and reminded me she would be here at seven and that I should wear comfortable clothing and then she was gone.

I pressed my fingers to my lips as I unlocked my door and quickly crawled into bed. It was just a kiss. I kept repeating that over and over but I knew it was a lie. It wasn't just a kiss, this was my mate. Mate, I hated that word. Edward used that word to control me and then threw me out like trash when he was done. But he wasn't really my mate, Tanya though. Well how can I know she is really my mate? Sure I'm attracted to her, but I was attracted to all the Cullens. That is what vampiric beauty does, it draws us humans in. How could I know that Tanya was the real thing? From the sound of it only the vampire gets the mate possessiveness and whatever else is the proof, so I have to trust her. I don't do so well with trust, or letting people in.

After making sure my roommate was not at all aware of me or what I was doing I uncovered my thighs and looked at my scars and my wounds at different stages of healing. Tanya didn't acknowledge that she could smell my blood, but that didn't mean she couldn't. How could I be in a relationship with a vampire while still cutting? Even if and that is a big if, even if I decided Tanya was worth my time - which face it she is definitely worth my time - I won't be able to just stop cutting cold turkey. With all these thoughts swirling around my brain I eventually fell asleep.

**Author's Note: That is it for Chapter One. I'd love to know what you think of it, please review. The next Chapter should be up in about a week.**


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: I do not own rights to Twilight.**

**Author's Note: Thank you thank you thank you to those who reviewed/commented on the first chapter... Now I'm nervous I hope I don't screw this story up. Also thank you to those of you who favourited the story or added it to story alert. Thank you. And now on with Chapter 2.**

**There may be triggering scenes for cutters and anorexics. **

Chapter Two

The next morning I woke up totally freaked out. There was a vampire in town, at this very college, though she probably didn't live on the actual campus. And I had a date with her in less than twelve hours. She said I was her mate. Mate that word stuck in my mind and brought such pain that I really didn't know how I would survive the day let alone the date. Glancing around the dorm room I noticed my roommate was gone, which was great, it made what I was about to do that much easier.

I pulled my razor blade out of its hiding place and slashed my thighs six or seven times. As the blood seeped out of the wounds I took a few deep breaths and reveled in the high that cutting always brought me. Then I went about mentally assuring myself that I would survive this day and the date with Tanya would go well. When the high ended I went about cleaning up the blood and applying bandages. I'd have to remember to change the bandages before my date to minimalize the scent of blood. When I had finished cleaning myself up I felt much more relaxed than when I had first woken up. For some reason unknown to me the method of actually cleaning my wounds was almost as calming as the actual cutting was.

With that taken care of I got up and got ready for the day and made my way out of the residence buildings and on towards the cafeteria. I ate because I knew if I simply skipped the meal I would eventually end up binging which was never good. But just because I was eating didn't mean I was eating just anything, now that I was in the company of vampires I needed to slim down a bit. I ended up having some fruit and veggies and a bottle of water. After I finished eating I made my way to my afternoon and only class of the day.

After my class was done I went to the library and studied a bit. Though part of me wondered why I was bothering. If Tanya was in fact my mate it was unlikely I would be getting my degree because she would most likely change me before the four years had passed. I shuddered as I realized there was an alternative; there was always the chance Tanya would simply kill me to protect herself. But no, I was her mate, supposedly anyways.

When it was around five I went back to the cafeteria and grabbed a small dinner. Then I made my way back to my dorm and started getting ready for my date. She had said wear something comfy so I just wore jeans and a Nightwish band t-shirt. Getting ready took me all of fifteen minutes which left me three quarters of an hour to spare. I spent the time doing my: pointless because I'd never finish my degree, homework. I must have lost track of time because the next thing I knew there was a knock at the door.

I quickly scrambled up and to the door and got it open to see my beautiful vampire waiting patiently. For a second my brain registered the thought that I had called her mine, but that thought was quickly overtaken as I took in her presence. She was dressed similar to myself in that she was wearing jeans but instead of a band t-shirt she had on a very flattering casual-dressy type shirt. I also noticed something I hadn't noticed before perhaps because I had yet to really observed her, she had this air about her not cockiness per say but she looked like she was in charge and used to being in charge.

I came out of my observation of her as she asked if all I wanted to do that night was stare at her. I of course blushed and as I did I noticed her eyes didn't change. Whenever I blushed around Edward his eyes would darken and that was an indicator that he was having a hard time resisting. Tanya must have good control; I wonder how old she is. I filed that question away in my brain to ask her later. And then I finally remembered my manners and invited her in for a moment so I could put my homework away. Once that was done and my dorm was all locked up we walked down to her car, a sleek black Audi. She kindly opened the door for me and then zipped over to her side and got in. Then we drove off.

1234

She took me mini golfing, which turned out to be a lot of fun. Then she took me out for ice cream, which I did not appreciate one bit. First off she obviously wasn't going to have any which means she would simply be watching me eat which is one of the worst things ever. Every time I ate food around any of the Cullens they watched me so intently. It had been horrible, first they were making me eat food and then examining me as I did so. When they left and I became who I am today I stopped eating around spectators. This played well into my hand because it helped me avoid binging at parties when I was starving myself. The second reason I didn't appreciate her taking me out for ice cream was that hello, I'm supposed to be losing weight to fit in with her beauty. I ended up lying to her and saying I was lactose intolerant. She took the answer and we went instead went for a drive to a beautiful park. It was a nice night so we took up residence on a park bench and started chatting.

We talked about trivial things: how I liked Denali, what I thought of the dorms and of my classes, etc. for a bit and we slowly got more comfortable on the bench. She put her arm around me and sort of pulled my body into her side. I considered resisting but it really was comfortable so I just went with the flow. When Tanya stopped asking questions it gave me time to ask my own.

I found out she is the head of her coven which includes her sisters Kate and Irina and a mated pair Carmen and Eleazer. I also learned they have a house, I assume much like the Cullens, way out in the forest. She told me she was turned about a thousand years ago at the age of twenty-four. After she told me all this I stopped asking questions and just thought about it all for a bit. My earlier observation was correct as coven leader she was used to being in charge; I pondered how this would affect me if I pursued a relationship with her. Plus she was older, like really older. Her age didn't really bother me because in one regard age means experience. I always preferred to sleep with older women/men because they were often better in bed. But she wasn't just experienced she was ancient; could I really be with someone that old? Though I suppose her age meant she had incredible self-control when it came to blood. My thinking was cut off as Tanya cleared her throat and started speaking once again.

"Why do I smell blood?"

My heart stopped for a split second as I realized that in my haste to get homework done I had forgotten to change the bandages. I quickly chuckled to make light of the question and answered, "because I'm a human or had you forgotten?"

She responded in a deadly serious voice, "Isabella why do I smell _fresh_ blood on you?"

"It's Bella. And I don't know what you're talking about." I denied.

She removed her arm from around my shoulders and said, "Bella I do not like being lied too." Her voice was demanding that I submit to her and I honestly would have been really pissed if I wasn't so worried about getting out of the current situation without her knowing anything. When I didn't make any response she put her hand that used to be around my shoulders on my thigh and gently squeezed my leg. I inhaled sharply as the pain emanated through my body.

"You're injured." She responded to my reaction with a statement rather than a question. "Now why would an injured person lie about being injured?" She softly mused.

"Because it is nothing. I'd like to go home. Now." I held my voice strong. She didn't know, she couldn't know, she was a thousand year old vampire; people didn't cut themselves a thousand years ago. I was injured that was all; she would never see the wound. I needed to get home and cut before my resolve all but disappeared.

"How did you injure yourself?" Tanya asked.

I visibly gulped and then decided I'd had enough. I quickly stood up and tried to remember from which direction we had come, but I couldn't remember, so I picked a direction and stalked off quickly. I of course didn't get very far as she is a vampire. She gently informed me I was going in the wrong direction. So I turned where she pointed and we both started walking in dead silence. I considered walking all the way home as I currently had no desire to be in an enclosed space with Tanya, but I had no clue where the park was so my chances of finding my dorm were slim. In just a few minutes time we reached her car and I opened my door myself this time and got in, she followed suit.

After a bit of driving I noticed that nothing looked familiar. I had no clue where the park was but I didn't think it had taken this long to actually get to it, though my internal clock was off because we had gone from mini golfing to the park and not from my dorm to the park. After a few more moments of silence I cleared my throat and asked Tanya why it was taking so long to get back to my dorm.

"Because I'm not taking you back to your dorm." Was her simple reply.

"Well where are you taking me!" I demanded, but before I let her answer me I continued on by exclaiming there was no way I was going to the hospital.

"An injured person who wants to avoid the hospital, now that sounds suspicious."

I glowered in my seat and refused to look in her direction.

"I'm taking you to my home."

"What? Tanya come on! It is just a little blood, I'm fine." I defended myself.

"You are injured, you are my mate and it is _not_ just a little blood, the scent that is smothered by your clothing is strong. We will go to my home and I will take care of you."

I was slightly touched that she wanted to take care of me, but my anger at not having a say in the matter won out and I tried one last desperate plea to get her to see reason, "but your house is crawling with vampires I don't think taking me, a bleeding human, there constitutes taking care of me. Take me home… please." I threw in the please hoping she would want to please her mate and would actually listen to me.

"If them being there will make you uncomfortable, they won't be." Then she pulled out her cell phone and made a quick call, but of course talked too fast for me to catch a word of the conversation.

I realized that regardless of what I said or thought I was going to Tanya's house that night. So I decided to try and pay attention to where we were going so that perhaps when I convinced Tanya to go hunt I could try and leave.

**Author's Note: So that is chapter two, let me know what you think, please review. **

**I'm going to be honest here, I'm feeling anxious about what I've written and worried people will hate it, and I'm in the middle of an intense depressive episode (I have bipolar disorder) so this story may one day simply disappear because the best way to not feel anxious is to completely avoid the situation. And well the depression is making me want to close all online accounts and just void myself of interaction with people. Alas the story remains thus far; I came online to delete it and ended up uploading this chapter. On another note I have it all planned out this story will be running for six chapters, no more, no less.**


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight.**

**Author's Note: This is a little longer chapter, hope you enjoy. May contain scenes that trigger a cutter or anorexic.**

Chapter Three

After turning off the main road onto a hidden drive way that seemed to go on forever we finally pulled up in front on a massive house, more like a mansion I suppose. Tanya parked and got out, zipping around to let me out. She quickly grabbed my hand and it felt as if she were silently telling me that I wasn't going anywhere without her.

Once we were in the house she guided me upstairs into a beautiful bedroom, which I assumed to be hers. The walls were lined with bookshelves that were filled with books and an assortment of odds and ends. There was a large bed against the wall and an office style desk with a notebook computer on it in the corner. There was a balcony with glass doors on the right hand wall and the left hand wall also had two doors. One was open to reveal a large closet and one was closed. I figured it could be a bathroom, but maybe not she is a vampire after all. As I observed the room Tanya had closed the bedroom door and she now was a handful of steps away from me. I broke the silence by complimenting her on her room. She said thanks but it seemed she didn't care for pleasantries as she right away got down to business.

"Take your pants off." She demanded.

"What? Hell no." I may have blushed at her statement but I was too angry at her demand. There was no way I was being even semi naked in front of her until I had trimmed off some of my weight and there was no way she was seeing my bloody legs.

"How else will I assess the extent of your injury?" She asked.

As I glanced around the room looking for an escape my eyes fell on the door closed to the unknown room. If it was a bathroom I could at least have some privacy to collect my thoughts without her staring at me. It was worth a shot; "Do you have a bathroom I need…" I trailed off hoping she would gather the meaning of my question without me having to actually lie. Luckily she did respond by pointing her finger at the door to the unknown room. Then she sat on the bed to wait. She looked slightly suspiciously at me, but I just smiled innocently and thanked her, then made my way towards the bathroom.

I shut the door and instantly made to the lock it before my brain caught up with the action and reminded me a locked door wouldn't keep a vampire out. It would however buy me a few extra seconds of time so I locked it anyways. I grasped the edges of the sink and stared hard at myself in the mirror. What was I going to do? Tanya was determined that was for sure. Despite my best efforts I really didn't think I had any hope of keeping my cutting a secret. The funny thing was despite where I am all I can think about is cutting. I know I will be able to come up with a good plan if I can just get the high of cutting to calm me down and help me think clearly. And well if that doesn't happen at least I'll be relaxed and not on edge when Tanya finds out and goes berserk. Humans didn't seem to understand the necessity of cutting, so I didn't think a vampire would, let alone my supposed mate. I was thinking too much, Tanya would be expecting me to be done soon and the longer I took the more suspicious she would get. I'd have to cut fast before the scent of my blood really got to her.

Quickly I sat down on the floor with my back to the door. Doing this I knew would assure me a few extra seconds before she could get in unless of course she came in through the window. I took my jeans off and quickly undid the bandages covering my thighs. Then I got my trusty razor blade out of its hiding place and went to work. I cut and I cut and I cut. Deep ones, shallow ones, it didn't matter, I just needed release. I took all my frustration of life and this evening and my anger, every emotion I took out on myself and felt calm rushing, rushing over me. That was when I heard her voice through the door.

"Bella I smell blood, lots of it, what are you doing?"

I considering lying to her saying how the bandage came off, which technically it did. But I just felt amazing; I was still clinging to the high.

"I'm coming in." She said.

I heard her turn the door knob and break the door knob, so much for locking it, ah well. The high was ending and as I looked at my legs and the blood everywhere the panic started setting in. Sure humans would freak if they saw me like this, but Tanya wasn't a human, she was a blood thirsty vampire. She was going to lose control and kill me I just knew it. I felt myself sliding to the left as Tanya pushed open the door and then she was there, right in front of me. I didn't bother looking at the disgust I was sure was all over her face; instead I stared at her shoes.

Then I couldn't see her shoes anymore. She was kneeling in front of me. Curiosity got the best of me as I raised my eyes to look into hers to see how she was with the blood. Her eye colour hadn't changed one bit, she was as seemingly unaffected as Carlisle was. After taking in her eye colour I went to lower my eyes but before I could she spoke my name.

"Bella, look at me."

I didn't look, I couldn't. Her voice was dripping with concern? That seemed odd shouldn't she be pissed right now. I felt a hand on my chin guiding my face up to look at hers. That's when I noticed her eyes. I mean I had seen them before to check the colour, but this time I actually noticed the care and the love and the worry etched into them.

"What did you do?" Tanya asked.

I wanted to fight, I wanted to blame her. I could see the sentence forming in my brain, 'you stressed me out, you pushed me, because of you I had to…' but I knew that was a lie. The truth was and remains to be I am a coward. I am weak; I consistently take the easy way out. She was right there I could have talked to her but I chose the blade. The blade is easy, the blade doesn't judge me.

"I." I paused, what to say? I diverted my eyes from hers and responded, "It's nothing, I'm sorry I bled around you. I'll just get cleaned up and you can take me home."

"No. I'll clean you up."

"But your thirst." I argued.

"I'm fine Bella, I am a lot older than the Cullens, I have much better control then all of them including Carlisle. I'll be right back; I'm going to get a first aid kit."

With that she zipped out of the room and was back a few seconds later. She also had some cloths with her. She set the kit and the cloths down and went to work cleaning up the blood. When she was done I stood up and moved to put my jeans on, but instead her hand grabbed my arm and she guided me into her room. She took me to the bed and got me to sit on it, then she went into her closet. She came out holding a pair of jogging pants and told me to put them on saying they would be much comfier than jeans. I quickly complied and then sat back down on the bed. She grabbed a chair and set it a few feet in front of me and then she sat down too.

"Why, Bella?" She started the conversation rolling.

"Don't you mean what? I doubt this kind of thing happened a thousand years ago."

"Okay, what were you doing?"

I gulped. Why did I have to open my mouth? I didn't want to explain, what was I supposed to say? I feel like I'm dying from all the emotional turmoil so I take it out on my body and get the best high in the world, and I'd know because I've tried all the other highs. I couldn't say that. I could lie and tell her I was a masochist, but she'll see right through that.

I responded with, "What do you think I was doing?"

"Bella come on, don't do this. You can trust me, I care for you."

I scoffed at her. "Trust? Care? The last time I trusted someone like you he abandoned me, left me all alone to suffer. And care, care is selfish, you care for yourself… For your precious mate to bring you eternal happiness. You just don't want me to die."

When I finished ranting I looked at her face and I saw a sheer look of terror. Which I of course perceived to be about my talk of death. So I quickly backpedalled and assured her I was not suicidal, I in fact loved life too much to want to die.

"If you love life, why risk it by cutting yourself?"

"You know some humans smoke. Cigarettes I mean, not weed, though some humans smoke weed too. Anyways humans smoke cigarettes that slowly kill them, but that doesn't mean they are suicidal. Cutting is just how I cope with stress."

"You need better coping."

"Look alright also like cigarettes, cutting is addictive, I'm not just going to be able to stop. And in order to stop I'm going to have to want to stop, which I don't. Look, we may be mates, but that doesn't mean I'm the perfect person you've been waiting for. I've still got my shit and I'm sure you've got yours."

Tanya smiled, "You called us mates."

"Did you hear anything else I said?"

"Yes, we will take things slowly, get to know each other. But I really think you should stop cutting. Now it is late you should probably get some sleep, I'll wake you up in the morning."

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I woke up to the dull ache of pain coming from my thighs. As I sat up I noticed I was alone and that Tanya didn't have a clock in her room. After I found my jeans hanging over the chair Tanya had previously occupied I pulled my phone out of the pocket and looked at the time. It was early, only five am. I must have gone to bed rather early because I felt well rested. Shrugging my shoulders I made my way to the bathroom to do my morning routine. Once there I found Tanya had laid out a toothbrush and toothpaste for me. There was also a new first aid kit sitting there. It seemed Tanya thought of everything.

I quickly showered and did my morning routine, including cleaning my wounds with the first aid kit Tanya so graciously provided. Once I was changed back into my t-shirt and jeans I made my way out of Tanya's bedroom and down the stairs. I supposed if I walked around enough she would notice I was up and then she could drive me back to school. Luckily my first class that day wasn't until eleven am. I found Tanya in the kitchen; cooking.

"Morning." I said, "Thanks for providing the toiletries."

"You're welcome. Did you sleep well? I've got breakfast almost ready for you."

"Yeah I slept well." I responded. I still hadn't left the entrance to the kitchen; I really didn't want to sit down at the table; that would be like agreeing to eat the food which was something I really didn't want to do.

Tanya finished up frying the eggs and dished them onto a plate. Then she ushered me towards the table as she set the plate and a glass of orange juice on the table in front of what I supposed was my spot. Then she herself sat down across the table from that spot. Letting out a sign of defeat I crossed the room and sat down at the table. How was I supposed to do this? I couldn't out right refuse to eat, that would be rude; it would also probably make Tanya suspicious as she had yet to see me eat around her. The fact that she was here posed the second problem: I hated eating when people watched me. Trying me best to come up with a way out of I finally spoke up, "Tanya it was really thoughtful of you to make me breakfast, I appreciate the thought, I just generally don't eat breakfast."

"But you must be hungry? You haven't eaten since dinner time last night." She replied.

She had me there. Plus unbeknownst to her my dinner had been quite small. I decided to weave a bit more honesty into my next plea to avoid eating. "True, but see the thing is, this is going to sound weird, but I don't eat when people watch me. The Cullens would sit and stare at me while I ate and it was creepy, I haven't been able to eat while people have watched me since."

"Alright." Tanya replied. And then she got up and grabbed another plate and fork. I stared questioningly at her as she approached the table and this time sat down beside me. Then she scooped half the food off my plate and onto her plate. "I'll eat half, this way I'm eating with you, which leaves you free from feeling creeped out and it is less food for you to eat. I know you don't want to eat but it is important for you to eat some breakfast after all it is the most important meal of the day."

"But vampires can't eat human food? Can they?" I asked.

"Sure we can, it just tastes gross and we can't digest it so within a small amount of time of eating it l will be forced to expel it from my system."

Lucky her, she gets to barf it up later. "You don't have to eat it, I mean if it is that gross…" I trailed off as she put the first fork full of food in her mouth, chewed and swallowed.

"Nonsense Bella, you need to eat but don't want to feel uncomfortable, this is any easy way to fix the problem."

If only she knew there was no problem or rather that she was creating the problem by insisting that I eat. Alas Tanya was making good progress through the food and if I really didn't want to eat with her staring at me I best be getting started. I quickly shoveled some food into my mouth and then took a big gulp of orange juice to help get it down. Then I took another fork full of food and another. As I fell into a rhythm of eating Tanya began talking.

"So are you really lactose intolerant?" She asked me.

I almost choked on my food as she asked me that; was I eating lactose? How could she know I had lied?

Tanya continued on as if I hadn't had a reaction to her question, "Or were you just nervous about me staring at you while you ate?"

Oh. I relaxed as I realized what she said, she was right of course that was the main reason I had lied last night about being lactose intolerant. But wait, how the hell did she know? I had the decency to look sheepish as I responded to her questions, "Yeah... I'm not really lactose intolerant; I just didn't know how to explain so I lied."

"Okay good to know. But just for future reference Bella I prefer you to tell me the truth even if it is hard. This conversation actually leads into what I wanted to talk to you about this morning. Last night I added my cell number to your cell phone, I want you to call me if you ever need anything. Ever, as in anytime, day or night. And that includes whenever you want to cut. When you get the urge to cut I want you to call me first, so we can try and talk you through it. Alright?"

She looked at me expectantly. "Umm yeah, I guess. I mean sometimes I won't be able to, but I'll keep that in mind."

"Anytime Bella, I will always have my phone on me. I just want you to be safe."

"Yeah definitely safety is priority number one." She didn't need to know that I considered cutting a safe activity. After responding I finished off my last bite, as did she. She quickly grabbed the plates and put them in the sink where there was already soapy water. When did that happen? I just watched her as she quickly did the dishes and then put them away. Then she excused herself for a moment and ran out into the forest to I assume expel our breakfast from her system. I will admit I was jealous as she did so, I mean I've never been very good at making myself barf but, it felt unfair that the vampire could get away with not eating or rather purging after eating. I snapped out of my jealousy and inner dialogue when she arrived back in the room. After looking intently at me she asked,

"How are your legs?"

"They're good."

"Alright well we should go I have a class in an hour and I'd imagine you'd like to get back to your dorm room."

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She pulled right up outside my dorm room to drop me off which was very nice of her, I could have just walked from wherever she parked. As I got out Tanya reminded me to call her anytime, I nodded and she left. Then I made my way up to my dorm room.

**Author's Note: Please review.**


	4. Chapter 4

**Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight.**

**Author's Note: So I'm not completely satisfied with how this chapter turned out, I think my story is getting suckier and suckier, alas I don't know how to fix it, so here it is.**

Chapter Four

My roommate was in our room when I got up there. What was her name? Oh right Cassie. Cassie and I seemed to have opposite schedules; this was only the second time I'd seen her since meeting her. We acknowledged one another and then went about doing our own thing.

The day went by in a blur; I had my eleven am class. Then I skipped lunch. Studied all afternoon, had a small dinner and found myself alone in an empty dorm room. I was wondering when I would see Tanya next, we hadn't really set anything up and to be honest I missed her. That was weird, and quite a step in the short amount of time of knowing each other I missed her. I could call her, but I didn't want to seem desperate or needy or any more so than I had already appeared. I eventually decided not to call her. If I hadn't heard from her by the next evening then I'd text her or something.

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Well the next evening came around and there was a dorm party going on and I decided I wanted to stay and get to know my fellow dorm mates a bit better so I didn't end up calling Tanya. To be honest I felt kind of hurt because she hadn't made an effort to contact me since I had stayed the night at her place. Maybe she was repulsed by me and my problems. So I decided to party while feeling hurt which is never a good combination.

The party was lots of fun though, at least at the beginning. I had some beer and danced my ass off. Heck this was even good to burn calories. There was a cute redhead that was checking me out, so I danced for a bit with her. Then the real party rolled in. The redhead, I never did get her name, introduced me to some guy and this guy had some drug, don't even know what it was, he said it would liven up the party. Next thing I know I'm grinding up against the redhead. Then I found myself in a corner almost having sex with this woman and honestly loving it. It felt like I was back in Forks, single on a Friday night having a good time.

Single; wait some fuzzy thoughts were entering my mind, was I single? I had that one date with Tanya but she hadn't talked to me the last day and a half, I mean I know the word mate was tossed around, but didn't I not believe in mates? And neither of us had said anything about being exclusive. As I was having this internal debate within myself I noticed the cute redhead wasn't having near sex with me anymore, where did she go? Maybe a better question was what I did I take? I snapped my eyes open to look for the woman, I don't know at what point I had shut them and that's when my eyes fell upon a very pissed off looking vampire.

Somewhere in my mind I registered the fact that I should be scared or nervous or sorry but that place didn't currently have much say. What did register in my mind was the fact that I was horny, I was high and therefore loose and my sexy vampire was right there. I grabbed her hand which was just barely within reach and gave it a tug, meaning to pull her near me, which of course didn't work, she didn't budge an inch. So I stood up and sauntered over to her, "Hey baby," I said in my most sexy voice, biting my lip as I went to place a kiss on her lips. But that didn't happen.

"What are you doing?" She demanded.

Her tone should have made me realize this was serious but it didn't. So I responded with, "Mmm me and that redhead… I don't know where she went… Were just having a good time, maybe you could join us?" Something in what I said seemed to not be the correct response as Tanya put an arm around my waist and directed me towards the door. "What no! Baby I want to stayyy, it's so much fun up here," I whined as she escorted me from the building, "Maybe we can find that guy and he can hook you up… I wonder if it would have an effect on vampires?" Tanya laughed loudly as I said the word vampires, I don't know why, before long I was laughing along with her, but for some reason she had stopped.

We were finally outside but that didn't stop her from dragging me along even further. Finally when we reached a deserted area with a bench we stopped and sat down. "What are you on?" She demanded.

"What? On? I'm not on anything. That's, that's ridiculous."

"Maybe we can find that guy and he can hook you up," Tanya mimicked in my voice, "What did he give you?"

"Oh him, I didn't know that's what you meant, you know I'd never intentionally lie to you baby," Something about the look on Tanya's face sobered me up a bit and I stopped rambling and answered, "I don't know."

"So you go to a party alone and then you take whatever from some guy you don't even know and then you almost have sex with a stranger while whoever is watching." Tanya summarized my evening.

"Yeah. It was a pretty good night. Just like old times. And you, you don't have a right to be mad."

"Oh really I don't? I find my girlfriend grinding up against some redhead and I don't have a right to be mad?"

"Girlfriend? Since when have I been your girlfriend? You'd think that would be something you'd communicate to me."

It was at this time that my stomach decided it was time to purge itself of the impurities I had ingested that evening and I vomited all over the side walk. Or perhaps it had been my body's response to the word girlfriend; I guess I'll never really know. It was pure luck that I had been able to angle my body away from Tanya's and therefore not vomited on her. She helped hold my hair back and then suggested we take the conversation back to her place. I complied seeing as the dorm room was sort of busy. On the way to her car I grabbed a pop from a vending machine to help get the vomit taste out of my mouth.

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When I woke up the first thing I noticed was my pounding head. The second thing I noticed was that I wasn't in my dorm room, yet wherever I was seemed sort of familiar. I sat up quickly, too quickly I might add as black spots appeared clouding my vision. When they dissipated I leaned against the bedframe and looked around. I was in Tanya's bedroom, now how did I get here?

Slowly memories started coming back to me. I'd felt lonely, so I went to that dorm party. I met that redhead and then I took, aww man, I took some drug and aww man. Things got worse I almost had sex with that woman, good thing Tanya showed up… Wait Tanya showed up, where is she now? And why am I glad that I didn't have sex that seems a bit out of character for me. Okay Bella, get back to figuring out what happened between then and now. Okay, Tanya came, she was pissed, we went outside, I barfed… and then we were going to get in her car. And then it was blank until I woke up in her bed just now. Hmm. Perhaps Tanya will fill in the blanks.

I got up and went to her bathroom. I had a shower and did all that necessary stuff. There was even two Tylenol waiting in the bathroom for me, Tanya thought of everything which was even more surprising because she wasn't a human. After swallowing the pills I made my way downstairs to start my search for Tanya. I found her in the living room, sitting on a recliner, thankfully she hadn't wasted her time making me breakfast because there was no way my stomach was going to be able to handle any food this morning.

"Sleep well?" She asked.

I sat down on the couch as I answered, "I guess… Though I don't remember falling asleep. Perhaps you could fill in a few blanks for me? The last thing I remember is vomiting and then I think we were going to get in your car, but I don't actually remember getting in your car."

"Yeah, you were pretty out of it." Tanya replied. "You threw yourself at me a lot, it is rather a wonder we didn't get in a car wreck on the way here."

"So I take it we had sex?" I felt a little saddened by the fact that I would never remember my first time with Tanya.

"What? No, no no no! You threw yourself at me, but I didn't reciprocate, I want you when you're you, not when you're high." Tanya exclaimed.

"Okay, good. So what else happened last night?"

"That was it, we got back here and as soon as you saw the bed you were snuggled up in it and asleep soon after."

"Hmm." Now that I knew I hadn't done anything irreversible it was time to talk about the term 'girlfriend.' "So what did you mean last night when you called me your girlfriend?" I asked just as she asked a different question,

"So what possessed you to do what you did last night?" Tanya asked.

"I guess I'll go first because probably after what I say the term girlfriend will no longer be on the table." I started and when Tanya said nothing I continued, "What happened last night was a regular occurrence when I was in high school. I'd go to a party, get drunk or high, sleep with whoever, wherever, and do it all again the next weekend."

"Okay, but why would you do that Bella?"

"It was fun." I answered, but the look on Tanya's face told me she wasn't satisfied with that answer. "Okay… well I didn't get any when I was with Edward, the prude would barely let us touch. And then he left and it hurt like hell. That's when I decided relationships weren't for me. The first party I went to I went to support a friend. But the atmosphere of it was addictive, and once I had a few beers I relaxed a bit, things started looking better and better, I danced, I ended up having sex with some guy and the night ended. Those parties were how I got over Edward. Random people could make me feel happier than I ever felt when I was with him. Partying was great, but it didn't fix everything, I still missed the Cullens minus Edward, they were my family and they just left without even a goodbye. So whenever you get tired of me make sure you say goodbye first."

"Oh Bella, I'm not going to leave you. I'm not a Cullen."

"Fair enough, though I don't know if I fully believe you, but it is just going to take me some time."

"Okay. So Bella would you do me the honour of being my girlfriend?"

"Wait? You still want me? Even after my history? After what happened at the party last night?"

"Yes I most definitely still want you. Darling, I've been around a thousand years, I've got history too. I've slept with a lot of people. So I suppose the question becomes do you still want me even with my history?"

"Hell yeah. It doesn't bother me, I mean I definitely expected you to have a past; I mean you are exceptionally old." I stuck my tongue out at her as I said that last bit.

"Ha ha." Tanya responded, "Alright so what do you want to do? It's the weekend so there is no school though maybe you need to study?"

"Yeah as much as I'd love to hang out with my girlfriend, I should go back to the school so I can study." As I spoke Tanya stood up and walked over to me. She grasped my arms and pulled me up into her arms, she then engulfed me in a hug. "What was that for?"

"I wanted to hug my girlfriend, especially since you'll be studying all day away from me." With that said we went to her car got in and drove off towards the school.

**Author's Note: So the ending sucked but that is because I'm currently revved up to write the next few chapters but first I had to end this one. Please review.**


	5. Chapter 5

**Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight.**

**Author's Note: This is a little shorter chapter, that I went back to and added to and I think I like the finished product.**

Chapter Five

It has been a few weeks since Tanya became my girlfriend and things have been going really well. I haven't cut myself at all in those few weeks, though I have been calling Tanya when I want to cut. She is really supportive, she doesn't make me feel like a failure or anything bad for wanting to cut still, which is much appreciated. I'm still slowly losing weight, I hardly eat anything while I'm on my own to make up for the fact that when I'm around Tanya I have to eat. On the girlfriend front we've gone out on a date at least three times a week. It's like we both don't want to be away from the other. I'm not complaining one bit, I love spending time with her, though my studies are suffering a bit which is why today (Saturday) is a Tanya free day. I have a very big test on Monday so I'm studying all day today. We decided tomorrow I would go over to Tanya's and she would help me review and then I'd ace my test on Monday.

Study, study, study. The problem with the whole plan is that I suck at Math. I don't even know why I took it. I'm certainly regretting taking it now. I can do this. I can do this, come on Bella you can do this. Okay check answer, ahhh I'm wrong. This is so frustrating! Perhaps if I cut a little? Just a little, not enough to even count as cutting. Just a little slash here or there, and a little calm and then I'll be able to get this solved in no time at all.

I left my books on my desk and went to find my razor blade. But before I could wiggle it out of its hiding place I saw a picture of Tanya and me. It was a picture from our first date, when we were mini golfing. The night I ignored her and instead picked up the blade and cut a lot. Closing my eyes I took a deep breath and then I grabbed my phone out of my pocket and I didn't want to call her, it was our day off from each other. Suppose she was busy. I'd text her, just to see what she is up to. I know she said call her anytime and I have but I don't want to interrupt her 'me' time.

I quickly texted her a vague question like 'what are you up to?'

My cell phone rang less than a minute after I sent the text; Caller ID showed it was Tanya. "Hello, you know you didn't have to call…." I trailed off.

"What if I wanted to?" Tanya asked.

"I'm not interrupting anything right?"

"No. We're all just hanging out, relaxing together."

"Oh well, I'll let you continue."

"Nope, not going to happen. I've already ditched them and am walking alone in the forest. So what's up? I thought you were going to study all day."

Why was this so hard to say? Okay Bella just say it, nothing bad will happen, "I want to cut."

"I'm so proud of you for calling me instead of cutting Bella, so proud. So why do you want to cut?"

"You know, it's stupid. I'm sorry for bothering you."

"Bella if you hang up, I'm coming to find you and I will stick to you like glue until I'm positive you are safe."

"I don't understand the material that I am supposed to be studying. It's making me frustrated."

"Okay, here is an idea: you're coming over here tomorrow so why not just come over today so I can help you study and then you can just stay the night and tomorrow can still happen as planned? How does that sound?"

"Yeah that sounds good, but you're sure I'm not putting you out?"

"Of course not. Alright I'll be there soon so get whatever you need together. I'll text you when I'm five minutes away so you can come downstairs."

"Alright, bye." I disconnected the call and put my phone in my pocket. Then I put all my school work and textbooks in a bag. Threw in some clothes and I was ready. A few minutes later I got the text from Tanya and made my way downstairs. Tanya was already waiting for me by the time I got outside. I quickly shoved my bag in the backseat and got in myself. Then we were off.

In no time at all we were at Tanya's place. It was deserted when we got inside; I turned to Tanya and inquired about where everyone went. She explained that they all had someplace else to be. I knew what Tanya was really saying, the human was coming over so they all abandoned ship. I felt bad for making them clear out of what is their home. Plus why did they clear out? I was cool with them being around, once I met them and stuff. I decided to voice my concerns to Tanya. She looked pleased when I told her I'd like to meet them. We agreed to set it up sometime after my test on Monday. Figures Tanya would bring my musings back to school work.

We went up to her bedroom and got right to work. Every time I ran into a difficult question Tanya was right there to help me figure it out. I swear she is a genius, well I guess you pick up a thing or two when you live a thousand years. Anyways Tanya helping me was much preferred coping to cutting myself with that razor blade. And by the end of the night I even felt proud of myself for taking the step to contact Tanya instead of cutting.

We quit studying around eight at night and then settled on the bed to just relax. We were both leaning against the headboard, me sort of leaning on Tanya and her arms wrapped around me. One of her hands kept gravitating towards my wrist band, every time she got too close to it I shifted my position so that it was once again far away from her hands. She did not seem to appreciate this and after another moment of her trying and me dodging she finally let out a sigh before saying, "Bella why do you always wear that wristband?"

"Does it matter? I mean really? It's an accessory."

"Yes it matters, especially because you're avoiding answering."

"Fine; it covers a scar I got a while ago." I told her, purposefully omitting where I got said scar, hopefully that would be enough information and she would just let it go.

"What kind of scar?" She asked, "You told me you love life, so I would assume you've never tried to kill yourself… But really to cut your wrist seems really dangerous Bella."

Before she could go on anymore in clearly the wrong direction I slipped my wristband off and heard Tanya gasp.

"He bit you?" Tanya angrily responded.

"What? Edward? No. Edward didn't bite me. He actually sucked the venom out."

"Well the Cullens she did a number on you, accepting you, and then abandoning you, after letting you get bit."

I cut Tanya off, "do you want to know what happened or not?" I really didn't need her going on and on about how much the Cullens hurt me. It didn't really hurt me anymore, but that was because I didn't dwell on it. Dwelling on it only causes me to self-injure more and eat less and perhaps cry a little bit, but those tears were for the family I lost not Edward, I was glad he left.

Tanya responded with a yes, so I launched into an abbreviated version of events. The tracker James and his mate Victoria and their friend Laurent all coming to Forks and James deciding it would be fun to stalk me and kill me. All of this ending in that ballet studio with a bite mark on my arm. When I finished telling my tale I could tell Tanya was rigid with anger so I did my best to help her relax by assuring her that I was fine, and it all worked out for the best because I was here and I was happy with who I am. Which was the honest to goodness truth besides my little eating disorder and the recovering self-injury problem, I am quite happy with who I am.

After I calmed Tanya down we decided to watch a movie that Tanya picked out. I don't know if much can be said for Tanya's taste in movies because I fell asleep during the movie. Either that or I was just worn out from studying and reliving James' attack. The next thing I knew I was rolling over and saw light shining in the double glass doors that lead to the balcony.

Tanya made me some breakfast and ate with me. After we finished she quickly ran out into the forest as per the usual routine. I felt bad for her to go through that constantly but she insisted upon eating with me so I just let it go. After breakfast we got right into studying. Tanya picked out a bunch of questions for me to do and I went at them. I actually managed to get most of them right so I guess studying with Tanya the day before had really helped.

**Author's Note: Please review.**


	6. Chapter 6

**Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight.**

**Author's Note: This is the last chapter, the end, done, I will be writing no more. And as said before this story just fell apart. I say this of course so you will have low expectations.**

Chapter Six

It was late afternoon when my phone rang effectively interrupting our study/review session. To be honest I was quite thrilled my phone had rang I had had enough of studying but Tanya seemed as though she could go on for hours. After looking at my Caller ID I said, "It's my dad."

"Alright love, I'll give you two some privacy." Tanya responded and left the room, she was great at giving me my space. Which turned into a lot of space given her excellent hearing. Also she never watched me sleep; she would just putter around doing her own things, which I really appreciated. Alas time to face my dad. We hadn't talked hardly at all since I'd come up here for school. I was actually curious why he would be calling me.

I answered the phone, "Hello dad, to what do I owe the pleasure?"

"Hey Bella. I don't really know how to say this, so I'll just say it, your mom had a heart attack a few hours ago and well she, she didn't make it."

I swear my heart stopped. My world stopped. Sure my mom and I weren't that close but she was my mom. I opened my mouth to respond to Charlie but what happened instead is I started crying. After gathering a moment of courage I managed to make some sort of reply to my dad and he mentioned a funeral in Phoenix that he would meet see me at. I think he included some other details but my mind kept going over his earlier words, heart attack, didn't make it, mom.

Only when Tanya entered the room did I notice that Charlie had disconnected the call and I was holding a phone with a dial tone to my ear. She was immediately at my side asking me what was wrong but I couldn't seem to find my voice. Curse the privacy she always gave me, it would have been so much easier had she heard the conversation and all those details Charlie had included that I had missed.

Tanya gently removed my phone from my hand and switched it off. Then she asked me again what was wrong. I finally found my voice and uttered out the words: mom, heart attack, dead. Then the tears started coming more intensely. Tanya quickly pulled me into a comforting hug and she didn't really say anything. Which was awesome and probably a safe move on her part because I totally would have jumped down her throat for saying some nonsense like she was sorry or everything would be okay.

We stood curled up into each other for a while until my tears finally stopped. And when they did it was like my professionalism came back. I detached myself from Tanya and took a few deep breaths and started thinking about what needed to happen. "Okay I need to be on the first plane out of Alaska that can take me to Phoenix. Tanya would you mind driving me to the airport?"

"Of course Bella, whatever you need. Do you have enough money for a plane ticket?"

"Yeah I can put it on my credit card. Okay I'm going to call the airport, while I'm doing that would you mind driving me back to my dorm so I can grab some stuff?"

"Sure thing, let's go."

While Tanya drove I called the airport and by the time we were at my dorm I had a ticket booked that left in a few hours time. We quickly ran up to my dorm room and through some stuff together then we were back in her car speeding off to the airport. I got checked in, said goodbye to Tanya and went through security.

The flight was surprisingly direct from Alaska to Phoenix. Which was much appreciated. While flying I tried to keep my thoughts in check, I couldn't break down, not here on the plane. I ended up falling asleep at some point which isn't very surprising given how emotionally worn out I was. And I woke up when we landed in Phoenix. I quickly grabbed a taxi and after a while I was home. Though did it really count as home with Renee not there anymore? Now it was simply Phil's place.

I got to the door and hesitated, it was Phil's place did I have a right to just go in? I settled for ringing the doorbell just to be safe. Phil came and welcomed me inside. I smiled sheepishly as he told me to just use my key next time. He and I chatted for a bit, offered our condolences to each other that sort of thing. He told me the funeral would be the day after next to give people a chance to fly in. Which was a detail Charlie may have told me that I simply missed but oh well I was here now. After we talked for a bit we both went our separate ways, he went to do something and I went up to my old room.

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The next few days passed in a crazy blur. Charlie arrived the day before the funeral and it was great to see him alive. I just moped around the house mostly that day. I really felt awful and drained and death just is depressing. The day of the funeral came and went pretty quickly. I'd been to a few and everything seemed pretty routine to me. Phil shared and I shared a little bit about mom, her quirky ways. But for some reason I couldn't bring myself to smile while remembering her I just can't explain what was going on in my head because I don't even understand it.

The day after the funeral we flew out of Phoenix. Dad and I had the same flight to Seattle then he got off and I continued on to Alaska. We sat beside each other on the plane and it was great. Most everyone would have assumed we sat in awkward silence but the silence wasn't awkward. There was beauty in the relationship I had with my dad.

When we got on the plane I was still mopey and depressed. But as we got further away from Phoenix and closer to Alaska my mood continually increased. So much so that even my dad noticed and commented on the fact, "I've never seen you so excited to get back to school Bella."

As he said the word school my face instantly fell, but he must not have seen it as he didn't comment. School, I had bad marks before that insanely important test that I had spent all weekend studying for only to miss because of the funeral. Aww man. But my dad did have a point I was excited to get back to Alaska… Tanya. She was the missing factor. I had been sad and depressed in Phoenix because I missed Tanya. And now that I was heading back and was going to see her in several hours I was excited. I loved her. It finally went off in my brain. I loved Tanya, she was my mate. I still hate that word, but that didn't change the fact we were meant to be. She was my future. My parents, Renee, Charlie, they were family but I'd outlive them by years and years with Tanya forever.

Somehow knowing this made it easier to let my mom go. I mean I still miss her but I would have only had a few more years with her before Tanya changed me and I probably wouldn't have been around her much because she lives in the sun and Tanya and the sun don't mix. And this trip has proven to me that I am in love with Tanya and that it hurts to be away from her. I wonder if it hurts her to be away from me? I only wish my mom had the chance to meet Tanya, I won't make the same mistake twice; I'll have to make sure my dad meets her soon. Perhaps I could convince Tanya to come home for Christmas with me.

After the revelation of my love for Tanya the rest of the flight seemed to take forever. Eventually we landed in Seattle and I said goodbye to my dad. And then after a few more hours we were finally in Alaska. And Tanya my love was picking me up at the airport.

When I saw her in the airport I immediately ran to her and pounced at her. My lips immediately found hers and I kissed her passionately. She was more than willing to go along and we had a pretty heavy make out session right there in the airport. Eventually we parted so I could breathe and then we got my luggage and found her car.

She was driving quite fast, but her house was quite a far ways away from the airport and it was taking too long. I wanted to declare my love for Tanya right there but I wanted her full attention, which she could argue she could give me while driving, but I didn't quite trust that. So I asked her to pull over somewhere, anywhere, didn't matter, I just wanted to talk for a minute. She looked concerned at me but complied and pulled off to the shoulder of the road.

"So what is so urgent that it can't wait until we get home?" Tanya asked.

"I love you!" I exclaimed. I had meant to say something more than simply that, but I was just too excited, and I wanted her to know. Tanya's face broke into a giant smile and she closed the distance between us and placed a brief kiss on my lips before pulling back and saying,

"I love you too darling." This made me smile even more than I was already smiling.

"I realized it while away. It hurt to be gone from you Tanya, and I missed you dearly and I spent my time away depressed not because my mom had died, that caused some sadness. But because you weren't around. I never want to be away from you again."

"And you won't be."

With that said Tanya pulled back onto the road, our hands clasped together and resting on the center console.

And they drove off into the sunset and lived happily ever after.

**Author's Note: So that is the end. Not how I originally planned on ending it, but for personal reasons I cannot continue writing this story. I think it ended well though, they are in love and driving off into the sunset, it was either that ending or my friend's suggestion that they die of laughter. Please review.**


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